on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize