I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
