Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
