i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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