i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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