have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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