If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
