You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My liver just had a heart attack.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
