he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize