Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
