I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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