my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
