I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
