u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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