He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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