I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
