If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
