gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
