you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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