PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
