she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
