Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
