I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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