i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
