I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
