Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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