He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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