Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
