I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
