Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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