so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
