Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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