you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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