wanna go halves on a baby?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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