I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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