Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
