it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
