i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
