so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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