By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
