xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
