If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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