im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
