Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
