I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
