the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
