You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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