I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
