please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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