Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
