I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
