3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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