I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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