I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
