I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
