just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
