did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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