the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
