I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
