Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
