i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
