Porn is love you can see.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
