apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
